Identity Trap

How Over-Identification Limits Leaders

“When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.”

- Brené Brown

It was the final inning.

Two outs.

Down one run.

Runners on first and third.

Before this season, I had always played in rec leagues and had been, at worst, the second-best player on the team.

But, for this summer, I had joined a competitive, travel baseball team and was playing up an age bracket.

If I wasn’t the worst player on the team, I wasn’t far off.

And now, as I approached the batter's box in our first tournament of the season, I had a chance to prove myself and establish that I belonged here.

Over twenty years later, I can still feel the pressure of that moment, feel the thick air, and see the blinding lights.

However, I don’t remember anything about the at-bat other than that I sent the ball straight into the air, where it was easily caught for the final out. And, I remember that no one talked to me after the game - or at least that’s what my memory tells me.

As a 12-year-old, my entire identity was wrapped up in being a good athlete. Most specifically, a good baseball player.

And now, as a new member of a team full of other good baseball players, my identity was being challenged.

In that pressure-filled moment, the weight of proving myself, of justifying my existence on that baseball team, and simply trying to belong, contribute, and produce got the better of me. I didn’t deliver. In my eyes, I failed.

In our experience working with leaders and teams, this experience isn’t unique to kids.

One of the great paradoxes of achieving optimal performance is the idea that over-identifying with the role and caring too much about the results actually hinders your ability to achieve your potential.

In sports psychology, this is called “choking” or “the yips”.

We don’t have language for this in organizational psychology, but the same phenomenon happens time and again. One of the reasons we may not label it in organizations is that the criteria for success as a manager or leader are less defined than those of an athlete. And so, it’s less obvious when a leader succumbs to the pressure than an athlete. But, it’s not less impactful.

It shows up as:

• Rash or irrational decisions

• Avoidance

• Emotional outbursts

• Inconsistent behavior

• Doing more, while leading less

Ironically, the path back to optimal performance isn’t by helping the leader care more or try harder. Rather, it’s by helping the leader more accurately calibrate their sense of self with their role identity. In layman’s terms, it’s about helping them care less, detach, turn down the noise, and lower the risk.

Using Brené Brown’s language, it’s about taking their self-worth off the line.

New leaders or leaders who have recently been promoted are at the most vulnerable of over-identifying with their role and placing too much pressure on themselves and those around them.

Organizations can help by providing support in the form of access to coaching or therapy. They can also help by encouraging employees to take time off, strive for work-life balance, pursue hobbies outside of work, and, maybe most importantly, by setting realistic goals and expectations for success.

After being the final out in the first tournament, I thought my baseball career was over. I knew I was destined to ride the bench for the rest of the season.

In reality, my coaches kept working with me, and my dad, who had been my coach up to that point, encouraged me and kept the joy of the game front and center.

As the season progressed, I felt less like I needed to prove myself and more like I belonged and was just “one of the guys”. I improved, and maybe more importantly, I quit trying so hard and simply did the things that had made me successful to that point.

And as a result, in the final tournament of the season, the state championship, I went 7 for 10 and helped our team to a second-place finish.

The difference?

I was no longer trying to prove myself or seek validation through my achievements.

I was simply playing a game that I loved.

Self-Coaching

Identify

• What are you trying to achieve?

• In what ways are you over-identifying with that role or vision of achievement?

• Where do you feel like your self-worth on the line?

Shift

• What would it look like if you were no longer trying to prove yourself?

• What shifts for you if your self-worth is not on the line?

Act

• Where do you need to diversify your sense of self?

• What hobbies, activities, or roles do you need to remind yourself of, such that “all of your eggs aren’t in one basket”?